Humour & Stuff 2003

Humour & Stuff 2003

How many lawyer jokes are there? Just three, the rest are true.

You read about all these terrorists-most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you’re two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let’s put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

Man of the House

A mild mannered man was tired of his wife always bossing him around so he went to a psychiatrist. The doctor told him he had to develop self-esteem. The doctor gave him a booklet on assertiveness training, which he read on the way home.
When he walked through the door and his wife came to greet him, he told her, “From now on I’m the man of this house and my word is law.When I come home from work I want my dinner on the table. Now go upstairs and lay out my clothes on the bed because I’m going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
“The undertaker ?” she replied

Sent in by John Sowers, Calgary, AB

Can’t Scare Me!

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving,seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.” 
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain’t!” said the man.
“Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan.
“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.
“Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.
“Yep” was the calm reply.
“And you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.
“Nope.”
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 48 years.”

Sent in by Ron Jones, New Westminster, BC

How is it that one spark can start a forest fire yet it takes a whole box of matches to start a campfire?

In the 60’s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take prozac to make it seem normal.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Airline

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” 
“Why no, Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?”
The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, and therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!” Silence followed.
After a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”
A passenger in coach said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”
Sent in by Karen Buchowski, Brandon, MB

I Won!

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!”
The husband says, “Oh, my God! Really? What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?” 
“Doesn’t matter,” she says. “Just get out.”
Sent in by Tom Hanson, Thunder Bay, Ontario

Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.

Take No Prisoners

A soldier deployed to Afghanistan received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up AND she wanted the pictures of herself back.
So the soldier did what any squared-away soldier would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:
“I don’t remember which one you are, please remove your picture and send the rest back!”

Sent in by George Cruikshank, Prince Albert, Saskatchewan

Hello? Hello?

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes”
WOMAN: “I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Can I buy it?”
MAN: “OK, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2003 models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$60,000”
MAN: “For that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! One more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re only asking $750,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer. $740,000.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”
MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asked, “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

Sent in By Terry Sexsmith, Prince George B.C.

Doctors Advice

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”
He asked, “Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?” 
“Oh no”, I replied, “I’ve never done either.”
Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
I said, “No, I’ve heard that all “red meat” is very unhealthy!” 
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?” he asked.
“No I don’t,” I said.
He said, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy women?” 
“No,” I said, “I’ve never done any of those things.”
He look at me and said, “Then why do you want to live to be 80 ??”

Sent in by: Ron Jones, Burnaby, BC

The Three Kick Rule

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Saskatchewan. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in Canada and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Saskatchewan. We settle small disagreements like this with the Saskatchewan Three Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the Saskatchewan Three Kick Rule?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.The barrister was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said,“Okay, you old coot. Now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.”

Sent in by John Sowers, Calgary Alberta

Think about this:

1. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.
   
2. Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year is 120,000.
3. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. ( US Dept. of Health & Human Services )

Then think about this:

1. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000.
2. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.
3. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188.
   Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.

NOTE: As a public health measure I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention!

Sent in by Gord Campbell New Westminster B.C.

2 + 2 = ??

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, “What is two and two?” The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was “twenty-two.” The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commer of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, “How much is two and two?” The accountant to be got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, “How much do you want it to be?” He got the job.

Memoirs of Constable Wayne, a Newfie Cop

Two men are driving through Newfoundland when they get pulled over by a Mountie. The Mountie walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick, driver rolls down the window and, “WHACK”, the Mountie smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, “What the hell was THAT for?”
The Mountie says, “You’re in Newfoundland my son. When we pulls you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car.”
The driver says. “I’m sorry, Officer, I’m not from around here.”
The Mountie runs a check on the guy’s license and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and “WHACK!”, the Mountie smacks him up side the head with the nightstick too.
The passenger says, “What did you do that for now?”
The Mountie says, “Just makin’ your wish come true.”
The Passenger says, “Huh?!?!?”
The Mountie says, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say, ‘I wish that jerk had of tried that crap with me!”

What a Deal!

A 16- year-old boy came home with a late-model Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,“Where did you get that car?”
“I bought it just now,” he said.
“With what money?” demanded his parents.“We know what a Porsche costs!” 
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me $15.”
The parents began to yell even louder, “Who would sell a car like that for $15?” 
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “I don’t know her name. They just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for $15.” 
“Oh, good grief,” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she’ll do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the woman lived and found her out in the yard, planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for $15 and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and he doesn’t intend to come back.” With the hint of a smile, she continued, “He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. I’ve done that now.”