Humour & Stuff 2004

Humour & Stuff 2004

The early bird may get the worm, but it is the second mouse that gets the cheese.

Good Magician

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so he did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to figure out how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: “Look, it’s not the same hat!” 
“Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” 
”Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?” 
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything. It was, after all, the captain’s parrot. Then, during a fierce storm, the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but didn’t utter a word. This went on for a day, and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot couldn’t hold back: “OK, I give up. Where’s the damn ship?”

VERY BAD DAY!

This little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink.  He’s been sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-maker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.  
“Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time,” says the guy.  “I’ll buy you another drink.  I just can’t stand to see a man crying.”
“This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy between sobs. 
“I can’t do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.  When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home, but after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was left in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar and decided to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drank the damn poison!”

Here is a list of rules that should be handed to every tourist going to the Prairies.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy you are snickering at did more work before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym.
2. It’s called a “gravel road.” No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your BMW. I have a 4-wheel drive because I need it. Now drive or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine-years-old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to “grain fed” when talking about our women will get your butt kicked...by our women.
5. Pull your pants up, and turn your hat around. You look like an idiot.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
7. No, there’s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
8. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes unsweetened in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.9. If you bring Coke into my house you better be mixing it with rye.
10. So you have a sixty-thousand-dollar car. We’re real impressed. We have quarter-million-dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
11. Let’s get this straight. We may have one stoplight in town. We stop when it’s red. We may even stop when it’s yellow.
12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So, you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute.
13. Yeah, we eat trout, Northern Pike and walleye too. If you really want sushi and caviar, it’s available at the bait shop.
14. They are pigs and cows. That’s what they smell like. Get over it. Don’t like it? Highways #1 and #16 go two ways - get on one of them.
15. The “Opener” refers to the first days of fishing and deer season. They are religious holidays. You can get breakfast at the church.
16. So what if every person in every pick-up waves? It’s called being friendly. Understand the concept?
17. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don’t hit into the water hazards. It spooks the fish. And stay out of the woods, that spooks the deer...

Contempt of Court

In a trial, in a small Alberta town, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so helps her God.
She said, “I do.”
She was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type, well-spoken and poised. The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well.”
The lawyer was stunned. He couldn’t even think for a few moments. Then, he slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors’ faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?
“She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, big-mouthed and has a bad drinking problem. The man can’t build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos.
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench and in a very quiet voice said, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be thrown in jail for contempt. Is that clear?”

Two truckers, Bob and Jim, are having a coffee in a local truck stop when Bob who is flipping a coin in the air and catching it, misses and knocks the coin into Jim’s mouth. Suddenly Jim starts choking and going blue in the face. Bob panics and starts shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the mall reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the market.
Reaching Jim, the woman carefully takes hold of his crotch and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds Jim convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing Jim, the woman hands the coin to Bob and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that Jim has suffered no lasting ill effects, Bob rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her, saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” the woman replies. .”I work for the Taxation Office.”

IF...

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can ignore a friend’s limited education and never correct him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without pills, if you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without drugs,

If you can honestly say that you have no prejudice against creed, colour, religion or politics… then you are almost as good as your dog.

Author Unknown

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Although initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 2:00 a.m., he leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replies. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!!” he exclaims.
“Good,” she replies. “Get your own damn blanket.”

A trucker and his wife go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Manitoba. The trucker likes to get up and go fishing at the crack of dawn while the wife likes to relax by reading. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. It’s a beautiful day and although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along came a game warden in his boat. He pulled up alongside the woman and said, “Good morning Ma’am. What are you doing?” 
“Reading a book,” she replied, (thinking, “isn’t that obvious?”) 
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her. 
“I’m sorry officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading my book.” 
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.” 
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman. 
“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the startled game warden. 
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment.”

Divorce

An old man in Miami calls his son in Vancouver and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 35 years of misery is enough.” 
“Pop, what are you talking about?!” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says.“We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of even talking about this, so you call your sister in Montreal and tell her.” Then he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like  hell they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”
She calls Miami immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?”
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “They’re coming for Christmas and they’re paying their own fares.”

Best Comeback Line

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A.  No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q.  Officer, who provided this description?

A.  The officer who responded to the scene.

Q.  A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A.  Yes sir, with my life.

Q.  With your life? 

A.  Yes sir.

Q. Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A.  Yes sir, we do.

Q.  And do you have a locker in that room?

A.  Yes sir, I do.

Q.  And do you have a lock on your locker?

A.  Yes sir.

Q.  Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A.  You see sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through there.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Careful what you wish for

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich and the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.
After the meal the waitress returns with the bill,
“That will be $6.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again and the waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer.
“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
The waitress asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

Be careful who you threaten

A pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, “Do you know what I use this for?”
The navigator replied timidly, “No, what’s it for?” The pilot responded, “I use this on navigators who get me lost!”
The navigator then proceeded to pull out a .45 automatic and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, “What’s that for?”
“To be honest sir,” the navigator replied, “I’ll know we’re lost before you will.”

That’s Generous of You

“Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce court Judge said, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” the husband said. “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself,”

Statements From Insurance Claim Forms

“I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident”.
“Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.”
“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.”
“I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.”
“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”
“The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth”

Life

“Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...WOW!...what a ride!!!”

In 1923, who was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their day. This is what ultimately became of them:
1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.
However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him? He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95 and he was financially secure at the time of his death.
The moral: Don’t work. Play golf.

Right….

After marrying a sweet young woman, a 90-year-old geezer proudly told his doctor that they were expecting a baby.
“Let me tell you a story,” said the doctor.
“An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot.”
“Impossible!” the geezer exclaimed. “Somebody else must have shot that bear.”
“Exactly,” replied the doctor.

All Aboard!

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
The man said, “I do Father.”
The priest said, “Then stands over there against the wall.”
Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
 “Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.
“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”
The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

Yeah, But…

A priest walked into the local truck stop for his morning coffee and as usual he struck up a conversation with a trucker sitting at the counter.
“Tell me son, do you drink, smoke or cuss?” he asked.
A little embarrassed, the trucker admitted, “Yes father, sometimes I do.”
“Well,” said the priest, “I don’t drink, smoke or cuss.”
“That may be true father,” the trucker said, “But you don’t drive a truck either.”

Overboard

A man and his family, including his mother-in-law, were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the man and his family back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the man got a fax from the boat. It read: “Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your mother-in-law dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. . please advise.”
The old man faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”

Fortune Teller

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortuneteller’s tent.  Thinking it would be good for a laugh; he went inside and sat down.
“Ah.....” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.”
“That’s what you think,” said the man scornfully. “I’m the father of three children.”
The woman grinned and said, “That’s what you think….”

Classified Ads

Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites

--------------------

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog

--------------------

FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog

--------------------

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free

--------------------

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out a while..better be a reward.

--------------------

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED... Also 1 gay bull for sale

--------------------

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby

--------------------

GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

--------------------

NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened - used once

--------------------

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

--------------------

(AND THE BEST ONE)

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

Diamond Ring

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
“This is the Hoelzen diamond,” she said. “It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.”
“What’s the curse?” the man asked.
“Mr. Hoelzen.”

Sick Day

A man calls in to work. “I can’t come in today...”
The boss says, “Why what’s wrong?”
“My doctor says I have Anal Glaucoma.”
The boss asks, “What’s Anal Glaucoma?”
“I can’t see my butt coming in today”

Take a Message

A Missouri farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door.
“Is yer paw home?” the farmer asked.
No sir, he ain’t,” the boy replied. “He went into town.
”Well, said the farmer, is yer maw here?”
“No, sir, she ain’t here neither. She went into town with paw.”
“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
“He went with maw and paw.”
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I can do fer ya?” the boy asked politely.
“I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer paw.”
“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to yer paw. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.”
The boy considered for a moment. “You would have to talk to Pa about that”, he finally conceded.
“If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog, but I really don’t know how much he gets fer Howard.”

I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Careful!

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best and remember, if it doesn’t go well, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife....”

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way.
I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

How Government Contracts Are Awarded

The steps at Parliament Hill needed some repairs so bids are taken from contractors from across the country. First a contractor from Toronto looked it over. After a session of measuring and figuring he presented his bid.“ I can do it for $19,000, he said, I’d need $9,000 for materials, $9,000 for my crew, and $1,000 profit for me.”
Next a guy from Calgary does his measuring and calculating and then says, “I’ll do it for $17,000. $8,000 for materials, $8,000 for my crew, and $1,000 profit for me.”
Last a Liberal-friendly advertising firm from Montreal stepped up. Without even looking at the job site he says, “I’ll do it for $57,000”.
Surprised at how high it is, the man taking the bids asks him to explain.
“It’s simple”, he says, “$20,000 for me, $20,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Calgary.”

Sent in by Chick Hurst, Calgary AB

The Turkey Hunter

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.
The doctor asked,  “To what do you attribute your good health?”
Theold timer said, “I’m a turkey hunter and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the mountains.”
The doctor said, “Well, I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?”
The old timer said, “Who said my dad’s dead?”
The doctor said, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your dad’s still alive? How old is he?”
The old timer said, “He’s 100 years old and, in fact, he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that’s why he’s still alive... he’s a turkey hunter.”
The doctor said, “Well, that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it. How about your dad’s dad? How old was he when he died?”
The old timer said, “Who said my grandpa’s dead?”
The doctor said, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! How old is he?”
The old timer said, “He’s 118 years old.”
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, “I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?”
The old timer said, “No... Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he got married.”
The Doctor said in amazement, “Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?”
The old timer said, “Who said he wanted to?”

Sent in by Jim Klassen, Surrey, BC

In the Beginning......

In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach combined with an abundance of green, yellow and red vegetables. He did this so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God’s bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Queen and Tim Horton’s. And Satan said: “You want hot fudge with that?” And Man said: “Yes!”
And Woman said: “I’ll have one, too...with sprinkles.” And low and behold they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.
So God said: “Try my fresh green garden salad.”
And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said: “I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive Oil in which to cook them.”
And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut Shrimp, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man’s cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man packed on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy lycra jogging suits.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald’s and the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
Then Satan said: “You want fries with that?”
And Man replied: “Yes! And super size ‘em!”
And Satan said: “It is good.”
And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
Satan chuckled and created The Canadian Health Care System.

The Farmer

One day the whole parliamentary assembly was aboard the official bus touring a rural Manitoba area. The driver lost control and crashed the bus into the ditch. A farmer came by, and, finding the politicians lying in the road, buried them. The police arrived on the scene just as he finished tamping the dirt down over the last one. They started asking him questions about the wreck.
“So you buried ALL the politicians?” asked the police officer. “Were they all dead?”
The farmer answered, “Some said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”

Math Problem

The owner of a golf course in West Virginia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the West Virginia University and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

Forgiveness

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.
 “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!”
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Marty asks, “Son, what happened last night?”
His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”
Confused, Marty asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, “Lady, leave me alone, I’m married!”

A self-induced hangover - $100.00

Broken furniture - $200.00

Breakfast - $10.00

Saying the right thing – PRICELESS

Donation

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his expensive office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, “Our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?”

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, “First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?

“Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, “Uh...no, I didn’t know that.”

“Secondly,” says the lawyer, “my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children.”

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

“Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, “I’m sorry, I had no idea.”

And the lawyer says, “So... if I don’t give money to them, what makes you think I would ever give any to you!”

Art Value

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
“I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied.
“The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”
“It was your doctor.”

Sent in by Hazel Nielsen, Junction City, Oregon

Déjà Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

Land of the Free?

A car company can move its factories to Mexico and claim it’s a free market.
A toy company can outsource to a Chinese subcontractor and claim it’s a free market.
A major bank can incorporate in Bermuda to avoid taxes and claim it’s a free market.
An American can buy HP Printers made in Mexico and shirts made in Bangladesh. They can purchase almost anything they want from many different countries BUT heaven help the elderly who dare to buy their prescription drugs from a Canadian pharmacy.
That’s being, “Un-American!”

Sent in by Robert Pitzel, Desert Hot Springs, California

Pardon Me?

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”
The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”

Lovers Lane

One night a cop was patrolling a well-known lover’s parking spot. He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approached the car to get a closer look. When he got closer he saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman in the rear seat, knitting! Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked to the car and gently rapped on the driver’s window.
The young man lowered his window...“Uh, yes, officer?”
“What are you doing?”
“Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m reading a magazine, sir “
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop asked, “And her, what’s she doing?”
The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”
Now, the cop is totally confused. Here was a young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lovers’ lane and nothing was happening!
“What’s your age, young man?”
“ I’m 25, sir.”
“And her ... what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies: “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

Sent in by Bob Mireau, Surrey, BC

A blond was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”
When the blond returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 POUNDS!
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”
The blond nodded...”I’ll tell you though; I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.”
“From hunger, you mean?”
“No, from skipping”

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
“Oh, we’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship,” the wife explained.
“He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts.”
“He communicates real well and I just act like I’m listening”

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”

Reporter interviewing a 104 year-old woman, “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?”
She replied, “No peer pressure.”

A Vampire Bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night; face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
“OK, follow me”, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
Do you see that large oak tree over there?” he asked.
”Yes, yes, YES!!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
Good” said the first bat, “because I didn’t”

WOMEN’S REVENGE

“Cash, check or charge?” The clerk asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, he noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
“So, do you always carry your TV remote?” He asked.
“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

All About Nothing

Parliament is the only place where a person will stand up and speak for an hour without saying anything. Then, another person will get up and argue the point for the next four hours.

It’s better to give than to lend -- besides, most times it ends up costing you about the same anyway.

The Perfect Evening

Jenny’s husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman’s work!
But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed; one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished - somethings up.
It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to fool around afterwards.
The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. “We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away.  I really enjoyed the evening.”
“But what about afterward?” asked her friends.
“Oh, Charley was too tired!”