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Humour
& Stuff 2005
Bungee
Jump
Alice and Frank are avid
Bungee-jumpers and one day Alice says to Frank, “You know, we could
make a fortune running our own Bungee-jumping service in
Mexico.”
Frank thinks
this is a great idea, so they buy everything they’ll need; a tower,
elastic cord, insurance, etc. and set it up in Mexico. As they’re
constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble to watch them at
work. When they finished, there was such a crowd they decided to
give a demonstration.
So, Alice
jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back
up, she has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, Frank
isn’t able to catch her and she falls again, bounces and comes back
up again.
This time,
she has more cuts and scratches but again Frank misses
her.
Alice falls
again and bounces back up. This time she is bruised and
bleeding.
Luckily,
Frank finally catches her this time and says, “What happened? Was
the cord too long?”
Barely able
to speak, Alice gasps, “No, the Bungee cord was fine... It was the
crowd... What’s a pinata?!”
Mary
Ellen
A man was sitting
reading his newspaper when his wife walked up and whacked him on
the head.
“What was
that for?” he asked, somewhat stunned.
“That was
for the piece of paper in your pocket with the name Mary Ellen
written on it” she replied.
”Don’t be
silly,” he said, “When I went to the races Mary Ellen was the name
of the horse I bet on”
His wife
seemed satisfied and apologized. Three days later he’s sitting in
his chair reading again when she nails him with a frying
pan.
When he
comes to, he asks, “What was that for?”
“Your horse
phoned.”
Dead
Horse
The tribal wisdom of the
Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that,
“When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best
strategy is to dismount.”
However, in
government, education, and in corporate America, more advanced
strategies are often employed, such as:
- Buying a
stronger whip.
- Changing
riders.
- Appointing a committee
to study the horse.
- Arranging to visit other
countries to see how other cultures ride horses.
- Lowering
the standards so that dead horses can be included.
- Reclassifying the dead
horse as living-impaired.
- Hiring
outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
- Harnessing several dead
horses together to increase speed.
- Providing additional
funding and/or training to increase dead horse’s
performance.
- Doing a
productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead
horse’s performance.
- Declaring that as the
dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries
lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the
bottom line of the economy than do other horses.
- Rewriting the expected
performance requirements for all horses.
And of course my
favorite...........
- Promoting the dead horse
to a supervisory position!
Quotes from Steven
Wright
• “I woke up one
morning and all of my stuff had been stolen -- and replaced by
exact duplicates.”
• I’d kill for a Nobel
Peace Prize.
• Borrow money from
pessimists - they don’t expect it back.
• Half the people you
know are below average.
• 99% of lawyers give
the rest a bad name.
• 42.7% of all
statistics are made up on the spot.
• How do you tell when
you’re out of invisible ink?
• If Barbie is so
popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• What happens if you
get scared half to death twice?
• A conclusion is the
place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is
something you don’t get until just after you need it.
• To steal ideas from
one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
Sent in by Bob Mireau, Cloverdale, BC
An elderly gentleman,
(mid-nineties) well dressed, well groomed, great looking suit,
flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after-shave,
presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale
cocktail lounge.
Seated at
the bar is an elderly elegant-looking lady
(mid-eighties).
The
gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes
a sip, turns to her and says, “So tell me, do I come here
often?”"
My
Footsteps
A physician told this
story about her four-year-old daughter.
On the way
to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat,
and her little girl picked it up and began playing with
it.
“My daughter
wants to follow in my footsteps!” thought my friend.
Then the
child spoke into the instrument, “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take
you order?”
New
Definitions:
The Washington Post’s
Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from
the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition.
Intaxication: Euphoria
at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your
money to start with.
Bozone (n.): The
substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright ideas from
penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.
Cashtration (n.): The
act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially
impotent for an indefinite period.
Sarchasm: The gulf
between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get
it.
Hipatitis: Terminal
coolness.
Decafalon (n.): The
grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things
that are good for you.
Dopeler effect: The
tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you
rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit (n.):
The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked
through a spider web.
SENIOR
STORY
A college student
challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their
generation to understand his.
“You grew up
in a different world,” the student said. “Today we have
television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy,
computers...”
Taking
advantage of a pause in the student’s litany, the geezer said,
“You’re right. We didn’t have those things when we were young; so
we invented them!
"What are
you doing for the next generation?”
Truth be
told
In Africa, every morning
a gazelle awakens knowing that it must outrun the fastest lion if
it wants to stay alive. Every morning, a lion
wakes up knowing it must run faster than the slowest gazelle or it
will starve to death. Moral of the story: It
makes no difference whether you are a gazelle or a lion: When the
sun comes up, you had better be hauling butt.
A
recording on an answering machine: “I am not available right now,
but I thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes
in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not
return your call, you are one of the changes.”
“Suppose
you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress...
But I repeat myself.”
--Mark Twain
“If life
were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be
dead.”
--Johnny
Carson
Never
continue in a job you don’t enjoy. If you’re happy in what you’re
doing, you’ll like yourself; you’ll have inner peace. And if you
have that, along with physical health, you will have had more
success than you could possibly have imagined.
--Johnny
Carson
Control
Tower to Aircraft Chatter
There’s a story about
the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his
single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked.”
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two,
behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
“Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine
approach.”
One day
the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some
quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
“What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by
yourself?”
The Cherokee
pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real
zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours
and I’ll have enough for another one.”
Tower:
“Westjet 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7”
Westjet 702:
“Tower, Westjet 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we
lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway.”
Tower: “Air
Canada 635, cleared for takeoff behind Westjet 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Westjet
702?”
Air Canada
635: “ Air Canada 635 cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we
copied Westjet... we’ve already notified our caterers.”
Dear Ma
and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are.
Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working
for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before
maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because
you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like
to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is
smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to
pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Men got to shave
but it ain’t so bad, there’s warm water.
Breakfast is
strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc.,
but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant,
pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always
sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours
holds you till noon when you get fed again.
It’s no
wonder these city boys can’t walk much. We go on “route marches”,
which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he
thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march”
is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get
sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a
schoolteacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board.
Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother
you none.
This next
bit will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.
I keep
getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is
near as big as a chipmunks head and don’t move, and it ain’t
shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is
lie there all-comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own
cartridges. They come in
boxes.
Then we have
what they call hand-to hand combat training. You get to wrestle
with them city boys. I have to be real careful though they break
real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m
about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from
over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same
time as me, but I’m only 5’6” and 130 pounds, and he’s 6’8” and
weighs near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to
tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto
this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving
daughter,
Gail
Sent in by Bob
Mireau, Surrey, BC
When I’m
feeling down, I like to whistle.
It makes the
neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag
himself.
Muddy
Road
A motorist, after being
bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to
pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground he
said to the farmer, “At those prices, I should think you would be
pulling people out of the mud night and day.”
“Can’t”,
replied the farmer. “At night I haul water for the
hole.”
Sent in by Heather
Annesley
A blonde
lady motorist was flagged down by a trucker just outside San Diego.
He explained he was taking two Chimpanzees to the zoo when his
truck broke down.
“They’re a
bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all
day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you
fifty dollars for your trouble.”
“I’d be
happy to,” said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered
into the back seat of the car and off they went.
Later as the
trucker was driving through town he saw the blonde walking down the
street with the two chimps. He pulled off the road and ran over to
her.
“I gave you
fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo,” he
said.
“Yes, I know
you did,” said the blonde, but we had money left over---so we went
to the movies!!!
Should
you have a makeover?
A middle-aged woman had
a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the
operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she
asked “Is my time up?”
God said,
“No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to
live.”
Upon
recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come
in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to
live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her
last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in
front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40
years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?”
God replied,
“I didn’t recognize you.”
Sent in by Reverend Dale
Jones, Grande Prairie,
Alberta.
Duct tape
is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds
the universe together.
The Big
Bucks
A mechanic was removing
a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he
spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was
waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his
bike.
The mechanic
shouted across the garage, “Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?
Look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix
‘em, put ‘em back in, and it works just like new. So how come I get
paid so much less than you do when we’re basically doing the same
work?”
The surgeon
leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, “Try doing it with the
engine running.”
Fond
Farewell
A young preacher was
asked to hold a graveside burial service at a small local cemetery
for someone with no family or friends. The preacher got himself
lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, he saw a backhoe and
its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were
eating lunch.
The young
pastor went to the open grave and feeling guilty because of his
tardiness; he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending
the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was
returning to his car, one workman turned to the other and said,
“I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain’t
never seen anything like that before.”
A
Veterinarian Goes to the Doctor
A Veterinarian was
feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all
the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been
occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: “Hey look, I’m a vet - I
don’t need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell
what’s wrong just by looking.” She smugly added, “Why can’t
you?”
The doctor
nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a
prescription, handed it to her and said, “There you are. Of course,
if that doesn’t work, we’ll have to have you put to
sleep.”
Why does
a mans heart beat faster, his knees get weak, his throat gets dry,
and he thinks irrationally when a woman wears leather
clothing?
Because she
smells like a new truck!!!
Sent in by Gord
Campbell, New Westminster, BC
Too Much
Information
An 8-year-old girl went
to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him,
“Grandpa, what is sex?”
The
grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but
decided that if she’s old enough to know to ask the question, then
she’s old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling
himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about
human reproduction. When he finished
explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth
hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the
look on her face, the grandfather asked her, “Why did you ask this
question, honey?”
The little
girl replied, “Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a
couple of secs.”
Sent in by Bob
Mireau, Surrey B.C.
Cancel
Your Credit Cards
A lady died this past
January, and her bank billed her for February and March for their
annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees
and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 and
now was somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to
the Bank:
Family Member: “I am
calling to tell you that she died in January.”
Bank: “The account was
never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”
Family Member: “Maybe,
you should turn it over to collections.”
Bank: “Since it is two
months past due, it already has been.”
Family Member: So, what
will they do when they find out she is dead?”
Bank: “Either report her
account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau,
maybe both!”
Family Member: “Do you
think God will be mad at her?”
Bank: “Excuse
me?”
Family Member: “Did you
just get what I was telling you - the part about her being
dead?”
Bank: “Sir, you’ll have
to speak to my supervisor.”
Family Member: “I’m
calling to tell you, she died in January.”
Bank Supervisor: “The
account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply.”
Family Member: “You mean
you want to collect from her estate?”
Bank Supervisor:
(Stammer) “Are you her lawyer?”
Family Member: “No, I’m
her great nephew.” (Lawyer info given)
Bank Supervisor: “Could
you fax us a certificate of death?”
Family Member: “Sure.”
(Fax number is given)
Bank Supervisor: “Our
system just isn’t setup for death. I don’t know what more I can do
to help.”
Family Member: “Well, if
you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her.
I don’t think she will care.”
Bank Supervisor: “Well,
the late fees and charges do still apply.”
Family Member: “Would
you like her new billing address?”
Bank Supervisor: “That
might help.”
Family Member: “Odessa
Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.”
Bank Supervisor: “Sir,
that’s a cemetery!”
Family Member: “What do
you do with dead people on your planet?”
How much
is a billion?
The next time you hear a
politician use the word “billion,” casually, think about whether
you want the politician spending your tax money. A billion is a
difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a
good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its
releases.
A billion seconds ago it
was 1959.
A billion minutes ago
Jesus was alive.
A billion hours ago our
ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
A billion days ago
no-one walked on two feet on earth.
A billion dollars ago
was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate the government spends
it.
Sent in by Robert
Pitzel, Desert Hot Springs, California
Dumb as
a FOX!
A young boy enters a
barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the
dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to
you.”
The barber
puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then
calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy took
the quarters and left.
“What did I
tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when
the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the
ice cream store.
“Hey, son!
May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of
the dollar bill?”
The boy
licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar,
the game’s over!”
Foreign
Aid
The transfer of money
from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor
countries.
DO NOT
TALK TO MY PARROT!!!
Wanda’s dishwasher quit
working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the
next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the
mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll
mail you a check.”
“Oh, by the
way don’t worry about my bulldog. He won’t bother you. But,
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my
parrot!”
“I REPEAT,
DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”
When the
repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet
watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however,
drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing
and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself
any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”
To which the
parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”
Sent in by Heather
Annesly, Maple Ridge, B.C.
Sound
advice
A minister decided that
a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. He
placed four worms into four separate jars.
The first
worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second
worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third
worm was put into a jar of chocolate syrup.
The fourth
worm was put into a jar of good clean soil. At the conclusion of
the Sermon, the Minister reported the following results.
The first
worm that had been place in alcohol was dead.
The second
worm that had been placed in cigarette smoke was dead.
Third worm
that was in chocolate syrup was dead also.
However the
fourth worm that had been place in good clean soil was
alive.
So the
Minister asked the congregation, “What can you learn from
this demonstration?”
A little old
woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, “As long as you
drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”
Sent in By Hazel
Nielsen, Junction City, Oregon
When everything’s coming
your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane and going the wrong
way.
A man
went to the police station and asked to speak with the burglar who
had broken into his house. “You’ll get your chance in court.” said
the cop.
“No, no, no!” said the man. “I just want to know how he got into
the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for
years!”
Little
Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been
playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into
the house and asked her, “Grandma, what is that called when people
are sleeping on top of each other?”
She was a
little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth... “It’s
called sexual intercourse, darling.”
Little Tony
just said, “Oh, OK” and went back outside to talk and play with the
other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
“Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It’s called Bunk
Beds!”
Difference between
Women and Men
NAMES
If Laurie,
Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each
other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark,
Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING
OUT
When the
bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20,
even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything
smaller and none will actually admit they want change
back.
When the
women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will
pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will
pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need, but it’s on
sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has
five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a
bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average
number of items in a woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be
able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has
the last word in any argument.
Anything a
man says after that... is the beginning of a new
argument.
CATS
Women love
cats.
Men say they
love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.
MARRIAGE
A woman
marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man
marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she
does.
DRESSING
UP
A woman will
dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will
dress up for weddings and funerals.
Congratulations
A new business was
opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send flowers for
the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner
read the card; it said, “Rest in Peace.”
The owner
was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the
florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist
said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than
getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral
taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
“Congratulations on your new location.”
Joan, a
rat her well-proportioned woman, planned to spend almost all of her
vacation sunbathing. She found the ideal spot on the roof of her
hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth , raised “deck ”
which received the sun all day long. She wore a bathing suit on the
first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could
see her way up there, she would slip out of it and get rid of the
tan lines on her back.
She’d been
lying there on her stomach for a little while when she heard
someone running up the stairs toward the roof. Startled, she didn’t
have time to pull on her suit, and since she was lying on her
stomach , she just pulled a towel over her rear.
“Excuse me,
miss,” said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of
breath from running up the stairs. “The Hilton doesn’t mind you
sunbathing up here, but we would very much appreciate your wearing
a bathing suit, as you did yesterday”
“YESTERDAY!”
she exclaimed, rather irritated...
“ Have you
been following me around? And besides, what difference does it make
ANYWAY, since no one except a nosy assistant manager can see me?
I’m on the top floor and I’m covered with a towel.”
“Well, that
would be true,” said the embarrassed little man, “except for the
fact that you’re lying on the dining room skylight.”
Guilty
as Charged
A man owned a small farm
outside Lethbridge Alberta. Employment Standards claimed he was not
paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview
him.
“I need a
list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the
agent.
“Well,
there’s my hired hand that’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him
$600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18
months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then
there’s the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He makes
$10 a week and I also buy him a bottle of rye every week,” replied
the farmer.
“That’s the
guy I want to talk to; the half-wit,” says the agent.
The farmer
says, “That would be me.” | 